A Black stripe in a Rainbow flag - Travis Miller
I consider myself very privileged to have grown up both queer and mixed race, as both have such unique voices, and so much progress to be made. Although I may not always see the Caribbean side of the family, I am proud to know where I come from and the history that goes with this. I am also exceptionally grateful for the love and support my (white) mother has shown me growing up, and accepting me for who I am. From a young age she has always done her best to educate me when it comes to race, gender, disability, and the differences of the world. She wanted to make sure I got a head start in life when it came to acceptance.
Therefore I find it extremely difficult to process the number of racist ordeals that occurred last summer, and that continue to plague our generation now. You’d think with all the technology we have and the research we’ve acquired from other lands, we would be more educated. Clearly, I am wrong.
Summer of 2020 was a massive eye opener for me. It really allowed me to see how much my head was in the clouds and how my own “white privilege”, kept me from realising the dangers my brothers and sisters were in. In hindsight, it was a God send. Following the death of George Floyd and seeing the world turn into a racial frenzy, I knew it was time to get educated, and I can honestly say I am ashamed of how little I knew. I highly recommend the book “Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race”- Reni Eddo-Lodge as this gave me a good ‘beginners edition to British racism’. From then the ball was rolling.
Another great insight as to how modern-day slavery is taking place, through systemic racism and unjust policing, is the Netflix documentary “13th”. From this I learnt that in America it can take a person anywhere between 10-36 weeks (8months) to train to be a police officer and carry a gun on behalf of that state, whereas a hair stylist has to train typically 12-24 months.
In 2017 African Americans made up 12.7% of America’s population but 33% of the incarceration rate. For an African American, there is a 5x higher chance that they will face jail time, over a Caucasian American. Or only 1 in 17 white Americans will face jail time but 1 in three African Americans will. This information is shocking to me, but clearly very realistic, as the amount of POC we saw being arrested in America, for minor “offences” completely backs these statistics up, even 3 years later.
The one thing I don’t think I was fully prepared for was ‘the truth’. What everyone really thought of people like me. The amount of people showing their “true” colours, was inescapable. I’ve realised that humans don’t like change, especially if it doesn’t affect them, requires something from them, or having to realise that they are wrong. Humans also don’t like being told “No”, it initiates a fight or flight mode in them, a defensiveness that shuts off all possible outcomes of listening, learning and being accountable for ones actions. If accountability feels like an attack, then you’re not ready to acknowledge how your behaviour harms others. That I believe, is just as dangerous as racism, because it is fuelled by racism.
Being both mixed and queer, I fight a double battle. Racism and Homophobia, and if you were to ask me which I think is worse, I would say racism. As we understand there are many similarities that run between the two; (Oppression, freedom, basic human rights struggle, systemic abuse, murder), let’s not forget the racism that is also very rampant within the gay “Community”. I use the word “Community” very loosely as after some of the unveiling’s of my fellow queer’s racist behaviour, I believe that no, we are not a community, but a group of
humans lumped together that face oppression from straight people. That does not erase the fact that gays can still be racist. I do, however, see there are many positive community vibes out there and I am by no means trying overshadowing them, because when we want to, or when we have to, we can come together to unite, and be a family but for some QPOC, it takes a lot longer for to feel comfortable in the community unless you look a certain way.
In the gay community most of the time if you’re white and have abs, or a bubble butt (Or a combination of both), this makes you “top tier”, regardless of any views. Let’s not forget that White Privilege exists here too. So, logging onto Twitter and seeing so many of my fellow queers being exposed for “Past” racial tweets, was really a blow to the chest for me, after all, aren’t we a loving community? Understanding that we cannot condemn those who do not have the knowledge to a life of “cancelling”, I find the amount of people that have zero knowledge and the bog standard excuses very disturbing, considering racism is nothing new.
I completely understand that when we are young and growing up, we are heavily influenced by things we see and hear around us, and do things we don’t always understand, so the knock on effect of our actions may not sink in until years later. Especially for some white gays that grow up in predominately white areas, where information and knowledge might not always be so accessible. But something I will never understand is not knowing what a word means, but saying it anyway.
From this I will always remember an interaction I had with someone that I admired from the community and the feeling of betrayal that somehow mattered more to me than the racial behaviour itself.
Seeing so many of my friends online going to protests, despite it being the beginning of a global pandemic, and seeing so many people educating themselves and spreading awareness, I thought it would be nice to take some time and thank a few people for taking part in this fight against human injustice. (Even though I shouldn’t have to be grateful for common human decency). I was looking through Instagram and came across someone that I had been following for a while (Back to Tumblr days) and had built up some respect for this person, as they managed to secure a modelling contract and was doing really well for themselves. I guess you could say I was a fan. We chatted briefly, as I expressed my gratitude and they were polite and gracious enough to not want any, however I was still grateful and proud that someone I admired was on my side.
A couple of days later while scrolling on Twitter, a “burner account” had posted a picture from said persons profile from 2015, reading “When your mum goes from 0-nigga real quick” (Among other tweets using racists comments towards Asian culture).
I saw red.
I went straight to the DM’s and poured out my frustration, anger, and betrayal. I was humiliated, just a few days ago I was congratulating them for being an “ally”.
They quickly explained that “They are in no way a racist and never have been”, they were “Genuinely stupid and ignorant”, and didn’t know what the word meant because they “were never taught those things in school” as they “grew up in a mostly white area where those words were never brought up”, and only said it because they “heard it in a Drake song”.
Among other excuses they gave, I personally can’t seem to fathom the understanding that in 2015, when this person would have been 17, they didn’t know what the word “Nigger” meant. When you look at the original quote “0-100”, 0 meaning chill and 100 being extra, what emotional connection does Nigger have? Is it angry, abusive? The general tarnished black male stereotype. So, it begs the question, why? Why use this word to describe your white mother. They claimed to know it was a “swear word”, but not the actual understanding and the history it carries. This leads me to believe that there is some kind of “woke” behaviour towards being racist online. To look edgy.
They then went on to tell me that since then, they have educated themselves and they are no longer that person they were back then, and that if they realised that this tweet had resurfaced, they would have deleted it straight away, because that’s “Not what they stand for”. I left them on read and felt numb.
I was conflicted. As I’ve said earlier on in this article, I understand we can’t cancel someone for not having the knowledge others possess, but 2015? This was only 6 years ago, when I’m pretty sure he would have known what being called a “Faggot” meant.
Racism isn’t new, these words aren’t new. They are used in the media, in songs, in films, in books, most of which you probably know. So how can you sit and say, “I didn’t know”?
I remember being 6 years old in primary school, and one of the black kids in my class told my white friend to go and call me a nigger, because he told him it meant “Friend” (clearly shit went down). So, at 6 years old, if the only 2 black children in the class knew that the word Nigger wasn’t allowed to be said by our white classmates, why doesn’t a 17-year-old know in 2015? Is it education? Knowing that a lot of schools either don’t teach black history, or nowhere near enough, but for me, the word Nigger is 101 Racism. Period. If children of colour are old enough to experience racism, white children are old enough to learn about racism.
So what do I do with this deep hurt? On one hand yes, since then they have done a lot to spread awareness and better themselves, like they said they “have changed”, but Is a few retweets enough? Is it all performative? Do I forgive and forget?
This doesn’t undo the feelings that you have caused me.
From this, it was common to see a plethora of ‘apology tweets’, from various white gays, ranging from everyday twitter gays, to famous porn stars. Normally written out in the notes app to seem official, or just due to the fact that twitter only allows 140 characters worth of “Sorries”. Sometimes if they had more to say, we’d get an apology video, this normally means they’re giving a backhanded apology, and aren’t actually taking accountability for their actions. Sometimes they straight up refuse to “be sorry” because they’ve had “bad experiences” with a POC.
So I sit after reading my 7th apology of the day, and wonder, why is it ok to then be praised for coming out as an ex-racist? Surely that’s for POC to decide, considering they’re the ones on the receiving end. White gays love to be in Black people’s business. Telling us what to do and how to feel. Again.